To my precious daughter
I didn’t have the wherewithal to draft a similar letter for my son three years ago. I’m wiser now. I hope the following message will explain my approach to your upbringing.
In case I am not around for your formative years, here are some lessons I hope my life would teach you to cherish.
1 — Speak truthfully.
From the moment you are born, we will hear your voice. It is your job to get to know that voice, to shape it into something worthy of serious attention.
Speak truthfully, and pay attention to what you say.
Don’t ever lie to yourself. Self-deceit is a terrible malady. You cannot grapple with reality if you are unable to understand it. The world is complicated enough to navigate. Don’t make it worse by being opaque to yourself.
Being able to carefully examine yourself is a luxury some cannot have — due to poor health, mental illness, or negative self-perception caused by toxic relationships. There are times when you may be your only ally. Don’t be your own Judas; that story didn’t end well.
If possible (and do try to wrestle with yourself on this one) extend the same grace to other people. Let them know your intentions and boundaries. Don’t fill the world with fallacies in pursuit of your selfish ends: that is manipulation.
Marlon Craft has a wonderful line in one of his songs, Loved. He says: “seek truth and make peace with it; don’t do that backwards.” Don’t force the truth into your perspective. Rather expand your mind to fit into the realities of the world around you.
Learn. Don’t cram.
Think. Don’t parrot.
Grow. Don’t front.
Explore doctrine. Don’t swallow dogma.
When you put your head on your pillow, you alone are left with your thoughts. Make sure your mind is quiet so that you can truly rest when you close your eyes.
To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom. — Socrates
2 — Love generously.
Only interact with those you love.
There are two implications of this statement that I’d like you to consider.
Firstly, if you wish to have an extensive network of reliable people, a healthy social life, and a positive impact on society, learn to love people with minimal conditions. We all have boundaries, but make sure your fences are not built to wall off your neighbours.
Understand the human condition and be empathetic toward people. Their struggles aren’t your own, and neither are their weaknesses. Let that realisation humble you.
Secondly, if you can’t help but harbour hatred for a person or group, try to leave them alone. Avoid making their lives miserable in pursuit of your goals.
There are times when you need to fight institutions and ideologies for the betterment of a vulnerable group. Remember that the representatives of those institutions are still people.
Sometimes, by virtue of your occupation or lifestyle, you may be forced to engage with those you’re wont to hate. Don’t let them harm you. Do not harm them.
The apostle Paul’s words (Rom. 12.18 NASB) are useful:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.
3 — Choose kindness.
If you can choose to be kind, be that instead of the alternative.
This world can be incredibly cruel. It is dangerous and traumatic. What often makes it bearable is a genuine smile and unexpected, undeserved favour.
You will have principles, but remember that life can be chaotic. You can restore someone’s dignity and their faith in the human race by choosing the harder path: forgiving them of their flaws and treating them with a high degree of respect.
Kindness is difficult, but we are not born to hate. As we grow, it becomes easier not to care about the well-being of others. Sometimes you may do it to protect your peace.
When you are able, sprinkle a little kindness onto our cold, spinning, blue planet. It could save someone’s life.
4 — Listen empathetically
Seek first to understand, then to be understood. — Steven R. Covey
A logical extension of sharing love and choosing kindness is allowing people to have space to be their authentic selves. While I’d give this advice to your brother as well, being a girl in this world is a lot riskier.
Discern the true nature of people’s motives by carefully listening to their words and observing their actions. You must see through deception and misrepresentation to peer into their souls. In my experience, time and privacy reveal the character most starkly.
A lot of people don’t want your preaching. They just want someone to talk to. If you are asked for advice, I’ve found it helpful to take them through how you understand their situation and how you would act based on your understanding.
Reassure them that, since they aren’t you, they might disagree with your analysis and counsel. They are free to glean any useful ideas you’ve shared at their own discretion. That tends to disarm hostility and foster rapport.
If you find that no one approaches you for advice, it may not be that you aren’t wise enough to ask. Perhaps you just aren’t approachable. You have to show in your general deportment that you are open to listening deeply and carefully at what people want to share.
An old friend of mine had an uncanny ability to ask a question that seemed superficial on the surface but posed a greater challenge for the more observant interlocuter. He taught me to listen to people’s questions and to hear their concerns. Even if the question is not phrased well, or is somewhat misinformed, a person is asking you something to allay some concern. Address both the question and the concern that underpins it.
Find the spirit behind people’s words and you will see into their soul.
5 — Protect vehemently
And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? — Esther 4.14 ESV
One of my top rules for men is that they protect the people they love, especially from themselves. While this advice remains true for all people, men have a long history of brutalising humanity for gain or depravity.
Protect yourself from the wiles of malefactors, and protect the innocent from your own dangerous inclinations. I will try not to pass on toxic traits to you. Please do the same for my grandkids one day.
Be relentless in your effort to protect those without help. Advocate fearlessly for those without recourse. You never know: you might be the answer to their prayers.
6 — Consume intentionally
Thieves enter by the window; guests come through the door.
The things you habitually consume should have a purpose in your life. They should serve to strengthen you and improve your quality of life.
Family, friends, food, and fun. Education, energy and time. Consume it all with purpose. Remember GIGO: garbage in, garbage out. Let your choices reflect your values.
The things which unexpectedly hijack your attention steal your energy. Your life will, to some degree, be what you make it. If something will occupy you, make it mean something.
7 — Learn liberally
Books condense a lifetime of learning into a few hours of reading. Good books do that particularly well.
A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one. — George R. R. Martin
Commit yourself to grow faster than the time available for trial and error. Learn from other people’s mistakes. Make reading enjoyable or you won’t learn a wealth of knowledge waiting for you.
In discouraging creative and critical inquiry, certain people will quote the idiom “curiosity killed the cat.” What they don’t do is finish the thought.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
Eagerly follow what interests you. Enjoy the journey of mastery.
Almost paradoxically, don’t underestimate the power of a practical lesson (usually in the form of failure). To have your wits about you out in the world requires an understanding that is found in living, not reading. Get outside and do something scary once in a while.
I once said in a sermon that the reason some people in church seem so boring is that it’s clear nothing ever really happens to them. All they know are bible verses and quotes from the inspired books of theologians. Their lives seem bereft of any actual experiences with God, besides the occasional epiphany during their morning devotions.
Get a life! Live it. Share those unique lessons with the world. Books will always be here; the good ones tend to last. There is only one you and life is short!
Imagine for a moment that you cross paths with Moses in paradise. What do you think that conversation might look like? Do you think you’d be asking more about his life of faith? Isn’t his story already given in the Torah?
In my estimation, he may be more interested in what you did with your life. For heaven’s sake, please share something more than your Bible-reading plan and impressive catalogue of sermons.
8 — Teach simply
If you can’t explain it to a six-year-old, you don’t understand it yourself. — Albert Einstein
Don’t let the desire to be known as profound lead you to superfluous expression. Speak and write simply. Let your audience know exactly what you’re saying. Remove all barriers to good communication.
Let your ideas be profound, not necessarily the words you use to express them. Unless you’re a philosopher. Then it is imperative you use big words no one else understands. Oh, and make up a few along the way; no one minds.
Simple teaching makes the mechanics of complex systems plain. It reduces webs of intricate ideas into a series of basic concepts that make comprehension accessible to almost anyone.
The purpose of communication is that the other person understands you. Keep that in mind whenever you impart knowledge and wisdom.
That’s what makes well-crafted stories such powerful vehicles for teaching. Learn how to tell a good story and you will have a captive audience.
Lastly, there are fewer joys more fulfilling than seeing someone finally get it. That moment the mind grasps an idea is a glorious one to witness. You will enjoy an incredible sense of accomplishment and pride if you are the reason someone has a life-changing epiphany.
9 — Eat leisurely.
All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast. — John Gunther
We can measure wealth by various parameters. Financial indicators exclude the poor; health indicators exclude people living with chronic illness and disability; politico-social indicators ignore the harmful psychological effects of certain geographies.
I’ve found that no matter your condition, true wealth is the ability to take a little bit of time to enjoy your meal. You don’t have to be a billionaire or CEO to do so, you could even be supported by food stamps.
It’s rather liberating to discover ways in which you can enjoy a meal. You can take a moment to watch the sunrise with your breakfast. You could try a new recipe, or take a moment to say grace.
Don’t rush through your meals, and have the capacity to admit when you’ve enjoyed enough food. I know I grew up in an era where you finish what’s on your plate! Hopefully, you won’t have to worry about wastage so much that you have to appreciate every ounce of edible goodness that is served to you.
It’s okay to say you’re full, unbuckle your belt, kick out your legs, and rub your belly for a few minutes while you clean the remnants from between your teeth with your pinkie nail, annoyingly making that sucking sound between hiccup-burps.
Find a way to be the master of how you experience your food, and you will have found a kind of peace that eludes even the best of us.
10 — Fellowship regularly
No man is an island.
We all need each other. It can be incredibly peaceful to spend time alone with yourself. I mean, if you don’t like yourself why should anyone else? The benefits of intermittent isolation are plenty, especially for mindfulness and productivity.
There is also something inexplicable about sharing a profound experience with a group of people. We are meant to be social. The epistle of John states clearly that no man can claim to love God if he cannot love his brother.
Remember the previous rule about enjoying your meals? One of the five Blue Zones (regions of the world where the population’s life-expectancy averages over 100 years) is in Italy where the residents of Sardinia attribute their longevity to communal eating. Their rich Mediterranean diet should spell disaster for their cholesterol, as oily foods tend to do.
The explanation given for their robust health is that people there never seem to eat alone. Meal times are filled with conversation and laughter.
People who are part of a community have better health than loners. Depression becomes unbearable when victims do not have sufficient support networks to help them bear its debilitating effects. Every major addiction recovery program involves participation in some kind of group therapy. Gym bunnies have fitness partners and most sports are played in teams.
Find your tribe and spend quality time with them. Communion is divine because relationship speaks to the very heart of our being.
On their deathbeds old, sickly people tend to tally their regrets. They most often recount lost opportunities to resolve relationship disputes. We all crave belonging. So go get you some.
Who you are doesn’t matter so much as whose you are. You can take that to the bank!
Let’s run that back
These are the ten commandments of dad (no blasphemy intended):
- Speak truthfully
- Love generously
- Choose kindness
- Listen empathetically
- Protect vehemently
- Consume intentionally
- Learn liberally
- Teach simply
- Eat leisurely
- Fellowship regularly
Tsepiso. Gugulethu. My precious promised child.
Live longer, and may your tribe increase.
